as i sit here in the dark at 12:49 am tonight, with cigarette in hand, smelling the sweet smell of nag champa incense, i feel..... somewhat intrigued.
i feel intrigued at how lonely i have become. i dont know exactly why i feel this way and how i got to this point, but it is agonising. let me just start out by saying that i have a wonderful fiance whom i will soon marry who delights in my company just as much as i delight in hers, but something seems to be missing. knowing most of you who read my blogs might be thinking the answer is god. maybe. sometimes he feels rather distant and unreachable, but i think it is more simplistic than that. i find myself lacking friendship.

i dont really know how to state my feelings into words so extravigant that maybe you too can percieve them, so i will do my best to keep your attention.
there are so many good things happening in my life as of late, marriage in june, owning a house, working a decent job, being a deacon at church.....
but i am lacking. i havent felt the closeness of friendship in months with anyone besides my future bride.

i am at an end here.

i feel like there is something wrong with me,

am i boring?
am i untolerable?
do i treat people badly?

i ask myself these questions all the time, and i can always answer these questions with a new direction to do better. but i dont feel like i am surrounded by love anymore. i feel like everyone has gone, and i am left wodering what happened. i find myself telling kim how i wish i was able to leave my body and see from a third perspective what i am doing in my life to feel this way. i dont know if it is something i have directly done, or if god is shifting things in my life to change it. whatever the case, i am exhausted.

i wish i had someone there to say "here is where you need to improve", but those words are not found. i am finding that kim can only fulfill so much in my life, and most of the people i am around anymore are so fake. i used to think that maybe im not loving people enough, but i have been trying my hardest to learn this, but then, i thought, why do i feel like people dont really want to be around me? what is it that i am doing? i have started to resent people because of this, because i am trying...and trying...and i have done so much for them in the past, and yet i still feel like i am taken advantage of. and so i resent.

i resent.
i dont want to resent.

i want to be close to people. knowing that they love me, and they know that i love them. you may be trying to do this, but maybe you arent doing it right....i dont know.
i miss feeling like i was important to people. not for popularity sake, but for the sake of community. for the sake of friendship. if somebody has something against me, i pray that you would learn just to come out and say it to my face because nothing sucks more than the feeling that dwells deep and rots in the pit of my stomach.

there are times when i fee like going out to the bar by myself just to sit and be around people.

half of me doesnt want to post this blog for fear of being portrayed as a whiner, the other half of me is crying out for a 'lifevest' of sorts.